Lisa's Pedigree
by Model-D
Summary: Lisa learns a shocking secret about her heredity
1. Chapter 1 A Family Secret

A/n: Did you ever wonder how a smart cookie like Lisa could have been sired by such a nincompoop as Homer? Well, maybe she wasn't! I realize this issue was addressed briefly in the Season 7 episode "Mother Simpson" and even more in the Season 9 "Lisa, the Simpson", but hey, who said Simpsons plots relied on continuity?

Chapter 1- A Family Secret 

"Owwwwww!" Homer yelled as he jumped away from his workbench where he just mashed his thumb with a hammer. Then, stumbling over a pile of scrap lumber with a mild expletive, ran up the cellar stairs to be placated by Marge. Hopping from one foot to the other like a kid playing hopscotch, Homer watched Marge bandage the purple, swollen finger.

"Maybe we'd better go to the hospital emergency room. We want to make sure you didn't break the bone."

"D'oh, what a way to spend Saturday," Homer lamented.

Marge loads the family in the car and heads for the hospital. Of course, they are greeted by the ever jovial Dr. Hibbert.

Marge begins, "I'd like Homer thumb x-rayed to make sure it isn't broken, doctor."

"He, he, he." chuckles the doctor. "Well maybe it's not. Let's just see here…." And gives a good squeeze to Homer's sore thumb. Homer stares blankly for a few seconds then winces.

"Hmmmmm. Maybe we SHOULD x-ray that thumb, Mrs. Simpson." concludes Hibbert.

Maggie has dozed off in Marge's lap, but Bart and Lisa are totally bored and start getting fidgety. Marge notices their unease and fishes around in her purse. Producing two five dollar bills, she hands one to each child. "Why don't you go the hospital cafeteria and get some lunch. It looks like we may be here a while. Come back here when you're done."

The kids toddle away and start looking for the lunchroom, but unfamiliar with the hospital layout, are soon lost in a confusing labyrinth of corridors. White jacketed men with black bags and women in white dresses with clipboards hurry to-and-fro paying little attention to the strayed children who can't get anyone's attention to ask for directions. Bart and Lisa continue exploring the hallways. They finally wander into a deserted looking area. Bart spots a sign on a door "RECORDS".

"Ho, ho," he chuckles. "Over here Lise – look." Pointing to the door.

"No, Bart, don't." cautions Lisa as Bart starts to push against it. It creaks open a crack.

"Somebody messed up not locking THIS door. Hey, maybe we can get the dope on some bigshot, than blackmail him to keep quiet about his condition." fantasizes Bart. (Imagining Mr. Burns throwing handfuls of money at them, Bart chuckles again).

"I still don't like this, Bart. This place gives me the creeps." shudders Lisa.

As the door opens wider a slit of light illuminates a small area on the wall where numerous files gather dust. The section they see first is labeled "Maternity" and there is just enough light to see a name on one of the folders – "Simpson."

"Cool!" exclaims Bart reaching for the folder.

"I think we should just leave right now." Lisa says while trying to grab Bart's shoulder and guide him away from his obviously intended mischief. But while doing this, she accidentally knocks the folder out of her brother's hand. Of course it lands conveniently on a small desk and opens to reveal a file on Marge Simpson. Both children are riveted now as they begin to scan the information. Lisa reads aloud:

"Marge Simpson has registered with the fertility clinic due to her husband's apparent sterility."

"Dad….sterile?" queries Bart. "I find that hard to believe. He always smelled kinda bad to me!"

"Not that kind of sterile, dolt!" exclaims Lisa. She continues, tracing the words on the page with her finger as Bart follows with his eyes. "Mrs. Simpson is scheduled to be artificially inseminated on ……..this is date almost nine years ago. I fact it was nine months before I was……." She trails off lost in thought.

"What does arfitical insmenimation mean, Lise?" asks Bart.

Lisa whispers in Bart's ear. Bart screams. Lisa tries to quiet him, but continues reading:

"The donor will be……." Lisa's screams join that of Bart's.

(to be continued)


	2. Chapter 2 More Details

Chapter 2 – More Details 

The noise attracts some hospital personnel. "What are you kids doing in here?" gruffly asks an orderly barging into the room. Lisa quickly closes the file and shoves it back on the shelf replying meekly "Uh……nothing….."

"Well beat it! This area is restricted!"

"We were just looking for the cafeteria." squirmed Bart.

"Does 'RECORDS' suddenly mean 'CAFETERIA'?" barked the orderly.

"We thought it was music records - you know - like they play over the intercom. So we thought we were near the caftereia" Lisa added. "Then we got scared cause it's so dark in here."

"Get out and don't let me catch you around this area again! Turn right when you leave this room – walk 4 aisles then turn left, walk 2 more aisles and another left and the cafeteria is the first room on the right."

"Uhhh….well….thanks." stammered Lisa, hastily pulling Bart along.

The orderly watches them walk away then leaves the room and locks it.

"C'mon, Lise, now let's go have lunch!" says Bart.

"How can you think of eating now?" asks Lisa with a forlorn look on her face.

"Why? What's the matter with you?" queries her brother.

"You know what I read in that file?"

"Yeah. About mom getting' it on with a syringe."

"Well do you know what was in that syringe?"

Bart starts to get a disgusted look on his face. "Well maybe 'I' don't want to know."

"It boils down to the fact that maybe dad isn't really MY 'dad'."

"Cool….. HALF-sister!"

"Shhhhh….we can't let him find out. He'd go crazy. Maybe even more than usual and heaven help the poor man that donated."

"Did you see who it was?" anxiously asked Bart.

"Heh….heh…yeah…." Lisa trailed off.

"Wellllllll……?"

Lisa again whispers in Bart's ear and he begins to shriek anew.

"Oh, Lise….I feel so bad for you!" exclaimed Bart after calming down a bit

"Well, it would explain a lot." his sister theorizes.

"But dad already showed you, the Simpson women are OK in the brains department. It's the men that become zombies."

"Well, either way, I think mom owes me an explanation, but not while dad is around. I'll have to wait for the right moment"

The children manage to find their way back to the emergency room.

"Did you have a nice lunch?" asks Marge.

The kids hand back the money to her. "No, we couldn't find the cafeteria." explains Lisa.

"We'll stop at the Krusty Burger on the way home. You father should be almost done now."

A few minutes later Homer and Dr. Hibbert return. Homer is sporting a new plaster cast on his injured appendage.

"Now Marge, just keep Homer from trying to use that thumb and come back in three weeks and I'll remove it. It's what in medical terns is known as a greenstick fracture. The bone is just partially broken….kind of like splintered like a green twig." explains Hibbert. "It should be good as new by then." He chuckles.

"Thank you doctor." says Marge as she herds the family towards the exit.

(to be continued)


	3. Chapter 3 An Awkward Lunch

Chapter 3 – An Awkward Lunch 

As Marge pulls into the parking lot of the Krusty Burger, she exclaims, "You kids have been awful quiet since we left the hospital."

Lisa laughs nervously, "I guess we're just tired from walking around so much."

"Mmmmmmmm…." Marge grunts, not entirely convinced.

Everyone queues up in line to place their orders. Marge waits at the counter while the others select a booth to sit. Homer slides in on one side. "C'mon honey," he says looking at Lisa. "Come and sit by daddy."

"Lisa squirms away and slides in the other side of the booth. "I think I'll sit by mom today. Thanks anyway." She says coolly.

Homer is taken a little aback at Lisa's sudden lack of affection, but he is quickly distracted when Marge arrives with a tray of food.

"Owww! Owwww!" Homer suddenly yells holding up his bandaged thumb as a stream of bright red fluid runs down from his hand.

"Oh my goodness!" ejacuates Marge putting her hands to her cheeks, surprised by the sudden development.

"Ewwww." decries Lisa.

"Haaa, haaaaa." laughs Bart sitting beside his father.

"Ho, hoooo!" hoots Homer tossing down several squished ketchup packets from his hand. "I really had you going there for a second or two, Marge." Homer gloats.

"I can see you're feeling much better!" Marge says without humor.

Later they arrive home. Bart runs off to pursue his own interests. Maggie starts to play with some toys scattered on the carpet. Homer promptly flops down on the sofa and clicks on the TV. Wouldn't you know it…there's a commercial for an infertility remedy airing. Lisa sighs and turns to Marge.

"Mom, can I have a talk with you?"

"Of course, honey. What is it?"

"Out in the kitchen….." responds the confused little girl.

Marge is a little concerned at this need for privacy, but respects Lisa's wish. They sit at the kitchen table.

(to be continued)


	4. Chapter 4 Marge Explains

Chapter 4 – Marge Explains 

"Mom, you wondered why we were so quiet this afternoon…well I learned something today at the hospital……" Lisa recounts the situation and the accidental discovery.

"Oh, dear," laments Marge. I had planned on telling you….when you were a little older." She continues, "After Bart was born, it was tough going for us. Your…ahem, 'father' had to quit his job at the Bowl-a-rama and go to work at the Nuclear Plant."

As Marge and Lisa continue to talk, Homer starts to feel thirsty from the salty food at lunch. Getting up from the sofa he makes his way to the kitchen to get a beverage from the fridge, but stops short of the door when he hears the gist of the conversation. Continuing to eavesdrop, he hears Marge.

"He was making such good money there that we decided to try and have another baby, but unfortunately in the two years in between, he had already succumbed to low-level radiation exposure which was revealed in the annual plant physical. We kept trying, then I heard about the fertility clinic and decided to give that a try and not tell your ….father. If I did get pregnant, he would think the baby was his and it wouldn't hurt his pride." She pauses awkwardly.

"Well, Lisa, that's the story. I would hope that you continue to treat your father the same way as you did before this happened."

Lisa is silent for a while, then says "I have to think about all this."

Homer still stands out of sight but his expression is wide-eyed and gawkish, hardly believing what he just heard.

"By the way," interjects Marge, "If you read the record, did you see who the donor was? They didn't even tell ME."

"Yes, mom…..it was……

(to be continued)


	5. Chapter 5 Homer's Rage

Chapter 5 – Homer's Rage 

Homer steps into the kitchen. Marge and Lisa gasp.

"Soooooo, Maaarrrggge," hisses Homer, "All these years you let me live with this….this…lie!" pointing to Lisa.

Marge buries her hot face in her hands, a face inflamed with shame and guilt. "Oh, Homer, I just wanted you to be happy." She starts sobbing.

Homer makes a threatening move towards Lisa, but stops short thinking to himself, "I can't strangle a little girl like I can Bart."

Marge interposes herself between them. "Homer….NO! It's not HER fault."

Homer is still enraged but his anger now turns elsewhere. "You were just about to say who your 'real' father is…..", putting his furious face right against Lisa's, who frightened by Homer's unaccustomed belligerence at her stammers, "Pr…Prrr…Principal Skinner!" as she dissolves in tears.

Homer straightens and frowns as his pupils shrink. He whirls around and marches silently from the kitchen.

"MOM" Lisa bawls, "What's he gonna do?"

"I don't know, honey. I just don't know."

At the sound of the front door slamming, Marge and Lisa hurry to the front window and are just in time to see Homer scoop up Bart's baseball bat from the front lawn, get in the car and speed off in the car almost clipping another vehicle on the street. He is having trouble controlling the steering with his bandaged thumb.

"I think he's going to make some trouble for Principal Skinner." Marge speculates. She hurries to the phone to call the police. Chief Wiggum takes the call but is less than enthusiastic about doing anything about it, claiming that if Homer did away with Skinner, he should get an award for public improvements. He tries again to distract Marge with superfluous questions, but she is relentless. Wiggum finally conceded to have his patrolmen swing by the Skinner house. Marge hangs up and quickly dials Skinner's number to warn him.

Skinner's mother, Agnes, answers. "You want to talk to Seymour? Who is this? My son is busy. He doesn't want to talk to you."

Marge can't get in a word before Agnes disconnects. Marge growls briefly. "It's four blocks to Skinner's house. I can't get there before Homer, but maybe I can talk him out of any foolishness he's planning." She thinks while dialing for a taxi. "Please hurry. It's VERY important."

(to be continued)


	6. Chapter 6 A Confrontation

Chapter 6 – A Confrontation 

A/n: This chapter contains mild violence. I call it mild because nobody actually gets physically hurt, but if descriptions of a domestic altercation would upset you, consider yourself warned…..

The taxi arrives and Marge is waiting at the curb. Lisa gets in with Marge who is holding Maggie. Marge gives the diver the address and adds, "Hurry, please!"

Meanwhile, Homer has arrived at his destination. Picking up the baseball bat he strides up to the front door holding the bat in his right hand and bangs on the door with it. Agnes opens:

"Yeah, whadda YOU want?" she grumbles.

"I want to see Principal Skinner." intones Homer continuously slapping the bat in his left palm. Every time he hits his left hand he grunts "Ow!" because of the thumb injury.

"He isn't seeing visitors today. He's grounded because a woman called here to talk to him."

"Well I'm NOT a woman, but I DO want to talk to him. Outta my way, granny!" says Homer brushing past Agnes.

"Who is it, mother?" says Skinner from somewhere in the house.

"Some big tub of lard with a ball bat. Probably wants to play with you." Then to Homer, "Hold it right there, Fatso. I said Seymour wasn't allowed visitors!"

Homer totally ignores the feeble old woman and starts in the direction where Skinner's voice originated. Agnes heads for the telephone to call the police, but just as she lifts the receiver, hears the siren of the patrol car as it pulls up in front of their house. "Now that's service!" she exclaims.

Homer is intent on his objective when suddenly Skinner appears in a doorway between the entrance hall and his living room.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Simpson?" asks Skinner.

"Drop dead, for one!" Homer yells taking a swing at the luckless school administrator.

"Whoa there, Simpson. Softball tryouts are next Wednesday – at the SCHOOL and Bart will have to do it himself like everyone else."

"I'm not here about SOFTBALL! I'm here about a soft HEAD!" Homer grunts, taking another swing and just missing the principal by inches.

Agnes pipes in, "Seymour….defend yourself!" to her son who is backing slowly away from the enraged parent.

Skinner, feeling the threat now, starts having Nam flashbacks. The living room dissolves into an Asian jungle scene. Homer morphs into a Viet Cong soldier. Skinner lunges for cover behind a jungle tree (which is actually a chair) yelling, "Look out, Tommy! Charlie got the drop on us again!"

Marge's taxi screeches to a stop in front of the Skinner residence and sure enough sees the Simpson car there and the police cruiser with Eddie and Lou walking toward the front door. She gets out and pays the driver who zooms off when he sees the police cruiser.

Back in the house, Homer is temporarily confused by Skinner's hallucinations and stops his advance. Just then the policemen burst through the front door followed closely by Lisa and Marge who is still carrying Maggie. As Homer raises the bat to make another thrust, Marge yells, "NO….HOMER!" as he whirls around to the sound of Marge's voice, the larger of the cops, Eddie, grabs the bat and twists it out of Homer's grasp as Lou stands with revolver drawn, ready for any surprises.

"That's enough, Mr. Simpsons." says Eddie camly.

Skinner takes it all in and thinks the police are American soldiers who have routed the enemy. He slowly regains reality.

Marge's presence makes Homer suddenly come to his senses and he sits heavily on the floor, buries his face in his hands and moans pitifully. "I am in suuuuch DEEP doo-doo!"

Eddie and Lou stand over him wondering what to do next. Lou speaks to Skinner, "Do you want to press charges?"

"Yes!" says Agnes.

"No." says Seymour, simultaneously.

"You are such a wuss, Seymour!" scolds Agnes.

The patrolmen are still confused.

"Let me handle this, officers." Says Marge stepping around them. She puts Maggie in a chair then kneels by Homer and tries to console him. Homer turns away, still feeling betrayed by the wife he deeply loves. Then she addresses Skinner, "Are you all right?"

"Yes I am physically undamaged, just shaken and horribly upset." says the Principal slowly. "What brought this all on?"

"I don't think we'll be needing you anymore." Marge turns to the two cops still standing nearby. "And thank you for your quick response and astute actions."

The cops shrug and leave. As they walk past the chair where Maggie sits, the baby reaches out both arms to them.

"Cute kid." comments Eddie.

"Yeah, babies are all sweet like that, same as puppies and kittens. Just wait till they get to a certain age, though." reflects Lou.

As the policemen exit the front door, Marge suggests, "I think we should all sit down and have a chat."

(to be continued)


	7. Chapter 7 Lisa Makes A Suggestion

Chapter 7 – Lisa Makes a Suggestion 

"Yes, dad, sit down and let's settle this." begs Lisa.

"Haven't you made enough trouble, 'little girl'?" Homer snidely retorts. His words hurt the 8 year old child deeply, and she swallows hard. Homer and Skinner settle in separate armchairs still glaring at each other. Marge and Lisa sit on the sofa. Agnes stands with her arms crossed glaring at each in turn.

Marge explains to Skinner what had transpired that morning. Skinner listens with his hands clasped together between his knees staring at the floor. After a while he says slowly and incredulously, "You mean there's a chance Lisa could be MY daughter?"

"It appears so." sighs Marge.

The topic of conversation is getting Homer riled up again and he makes a tentative growl at Skinner. Skinner, cringing, looks up in alarm, but Marge instantly diffuses the wrath. "You know when we learned the results of your work physical, I took a drastic step. Homer, I just wanted you to be happy. At the time, I though having another baby would bring comfort to you. Now it's come to this…." she trails off.

"Yeah, we were going at it pretty hot and heavy back then." reminisces Homer.

Skinner tells his story, "I had completely forgotten about my 'donation'. Back then I was just starting at Springfield Elementary. Things were rough for me too. Mother and I needed money desperately. We had used up the Veteran's compensation we got when my father passed away. The DNA bank was giving 200 a visit for young, healthy donors. (A flashback to Skinner standing in line surrounded by Otto the Bus Driver, Cletus the Hillbilly, Comic Book Guy, Krusty the Clown, Captain McAllister and Waylon Smithers). It seemed a good idea at the time. Now I'm not sure. I wonder how Edna will take this?"

"Seymour! You've made me a GRANDMOTHER! And you did it without my permission!" Agnes fumes turning away and going towards another doorway. She slams it angrily behind her. Skinner sighs.

Lisa gets a sudden inspiration. "Mom, you and 'dad' were making out and you still went to the clinic?"

"Yes, dear. It was just that medical report scared me. I figured you father couldn't be a father again. I though nobody would ever find out."

"That means there's a chance dad could STILL be my father! There's an easy way to prove it…..a DNA test!" suggests Lisa.

"YEAH! A DNA test!" says Homer jumping to his feet. "Mmmmmm, whatever it is." Then he adds suspiciously "Do I have to study for it?"

"No, just give a blood sample." informs Lisa.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" Homer screams.

"We all do." adds Lisa

All the adults scream.

Later that day they are back in Hibbert's office at the hospital. He has four red tubes on his desk. There are four people sitting in his chairs. Homer is still rubbing his arm where the sample was taken but has a lollipop in his mouth. They all have gauze patches on their arms. The doctor is writing on the lab instructions. He finally looks up. "This will take about a week. The samples have to be sent to a lab in Capitol City. We aren't equipped to do this test here. I suggest you carry on normally until then."

The week passes slowly. Lisa still goes to school, but is nervous in the hallways, peeking around corners, trying to avoid the principal. Skinner apparently hasn't mentioned the incident to Mrs. Krabappel. She acts the same as always. Homer goes to work, but as usual, his mind is not on the job, but instead of doughnuts and football, his mind dwells on his procreative abilities. "Damn nuclear crap!" he expostulates from time to time as he twists dials on the control panel. Marge busies herself with household chores, but she too feels the stress of waiting. Skinner sits in his office with the blinds drawn. Afraid of the hallways…afraid of meeting Lisa Simpson…or should it be Lisa Skinner?

Finally the next Saturday rolls around. The atmosphere in the Simpson household is tense. Everyone but Bart and Maggie is on edge. The day wears on. Finally at 3 PM the phone rings startling everyone. Marge grabs up the receiver as they all gather around. "Yes! Yes we'll be right there. Thank you doctor! Well, the results are back. Dr. Hibbert is phoning principal Skinner now and he wants to meet with all of us I his office in 30 minutes."

(to be continued)


	8. Chapter 8 The Final Report

Chapter 8 – The Final Report 

"Bart can you stay here for an hour?" Marge asks.

"No problemo." replies her son staring hypnotically at the TV.

She picks up Maggie and the rest follow her to the car. She drives pensively. Everyone is exceptionally quiet except for an occasional sucking noise from Maggie in her car seat as she manipulates her pacifier. The one-year-old looks worriedly from one to the other of her family members because of the unaccustomed silence. They arrive and enter the office. Skinner is already there drumming his fingers nervously on the chair's arm. As the Simpsons settle in chairs, Dr Hibbert speaks:

"I won't keep you in suspense any longer folks. Heh, heh, heh, hee, hee, hee…."

"Get on with it, doc!" interjects Homer impatiently.

"Well, all I can say Mr. Simpson. You have a daughter!"

"You mean…?"

Hibbert nods assent. Everyone sighs in collective relief.

"Whoo-hoo mama!" Homer jumps up pumping his arms and doing a little jiggy dance. "There's to you and your 'sample' Skinner!" Homer continues to dance and wave his butt in Seymour's direction. The principal just stares and frowns.

"But doctor – what about the medical report from the plant? It said Homer's count was only 10 of normal." asks Marge

"Well, what about it? It only takes one of the little buggers to do the job…heh, heh, heh."

Homer finally sits down. Lisa goes over to him and plants a big kiss on his cheek and squirms into the chair next to him. "DAD." she says contentedly putting her arms as far as they will go around him. "There's more to being a parent than just biology. Thanks for being a REAL father!"

"Good heavens!" Skinner suddenly exclaims. "I left mother soaking the bathtub!" he jumps ups and rushes out of the office.

Hibbert suddenly becomes serious. "But, Mrs. Simpson, if Homer's count went down 90 in the two years he worked at the nuclear facility it's possible that he was completely sterile by the time Lisa started walking. And if it was 7 years between Lisa and Maggie, then……"

"Oh, no!" Marge laments putting her free hand to her forehead, "Here we go again!"

Maggie who has been quietly sitting in Marge's lap takes out her pacifier and suddenly sneezes. "N'hey! N'hey!" sounding an awful lot like Professor Frink.

The end – or is it?


End file.
